Back in 1999, I had this beautiful idea that was supposed to get me into movies free, forevermore: I’d write enough reviews to join the Online Film Critics Society. So, this is me, doing that. Except? No matter how many times I applied, I always got told that my reviews didn’t count, they weren’t really reviews, what was I doing, who’d I think I was, all that. This site back then was Cinemuck.com, even—it was very Geocities-era. Anyway, here they are, in all their . . . glory? I haven’t looked at them for twenty-plus years. Guessing I got some stuff way wrong. But? I may have lucked into a good line or two, too:
virtual messiah The most successful use of the messiah-figure in movie-land so far has to be Star Wars, where young Luke ‘redeems’ that far away galaxy. And of course the narrative arc associated with the messianic character is the monomythic cycle, per Joseph Campbell, whom Lucas supposedly read heavily. Meaning Star Wars was no accident
embalmed with a grin Here’s the story: three-thousand odd years ago some Jafar-type priest / sorcerer got caught romancing the pharaoh’s wife. Pretty typical stuff, but then the pharaoh turns out have gone to the same school as all the Bond-nemeses, the one where they ask why kill the guy when there are so many
unexpendable crewmen In Lake Placid staying alive is easier than you’d think, with a 35 ft. crocodile prowling the waters. All you have to do is talk: none of the characters with significant dialogue are killed, though they sorely need to be. Viewers sometimes bemoan the conventions of the horror- movie–all the little faux pas
